You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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