we're making bets on your personal life
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
