That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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