I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
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He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
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I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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