You're a womanizer and a bitch.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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