we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize