Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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