There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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