The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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