Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
