I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
