My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
