Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video