I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We are all done wearing pants today
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
