hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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