I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
