Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
