There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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