When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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