it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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