the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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