he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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