fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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