There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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