How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize