Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Enjoy the penises
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
