she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
