Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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