just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
