I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
why do cheetos always look like penises
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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