i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
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Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
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I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat