had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
