he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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