see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
