So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
