I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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