Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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