The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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