In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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