He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
