I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
