Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
