I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
