Cold hands, warm shart.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
