all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
