Having a random hookup so left but love u
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just pee around me
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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