You're completely useless in the revolution.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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