Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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