Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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