My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
