my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
