so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
