I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
