dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
